1. Intro

Cars. Unlike the stereotypical woman, I love them, so one would think that buying a new (used) car would be an exciting experience. Unfortunately, it's not. My husband and I have different ideas about what a good car should be. I want luxurious but practical; he wants sporty and fast. I prefer automatic; he prefers standard. Over the past several years, our car purchases resulted in compromise, anger, and resentment. Buying a car causes our worst arguments. In fact, both of us have uttered the D-word over a car. Over the past seven years, I also have tried to introduce a male-led relationship into our lives, believing that it would lead to greater satisfaction for both of us. It didn't work well. Whenever I mentioned giving him authority, he got a ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look. He jumped to the worst conclusions, always saying, “But I don't want to hurt you.” My biggest blunder was when I once called him “Master” in bed. I felt stupid, and it killed the intimacy pretty quickly.

2. Surrender, yes, but......

On the positive side, I saw moments of hope. I read The Surrendered Wife, and we tried to apply that to our lives. It lasted about a week because we fought over (you guessed it!) buying a car. However, during the time that we practiced it, we were both happier. During one particular row, he looked down at me and said firmly, “I'm getting angry, and I'm going to start yelling, so you had better stop.” I stopped, and I melted. Fast forward a few years to when I found Loveawake dating site. I devoured every article on the website, and I felt a tremendous sense of relief. I didn't have to wear a collar or call him “Master”. I didn't want his domination to be confined to the bedroom, but I also didn't want to adopt a drastically different lifestyle that would make us both uncomfortable. I reread Sarah's article, Effect positive change by acting as if..., several times, and something clicked. I vowed to act as if he was the head of the household, and see how it worked for us.

3. Appreciation for my trust.

Last night, my husband called me from work and told me that he was planning on purchasing a car. I wasn't surprised. His car needed to have the engine rebuilt twice in a year, so I knew it was time to sell. His solution was to buy another car – his dream car – and sell the first one in the spring. The car that he picked was sporty and fast, and it had a standard transmission. He believed that we could afford the payments, and since my car was a good family car, we could get a sports car this time. I could have fought him on it and won, but then we would be unhappy. The resentment and anger would last for days. Instead, I thought, “What would a wife do?” I told him my objections, and then I said, “It's your decision. I trust you to make the right decision for us.” He listened and said he understood my concerns. I felt like he heard me. When he came home with the car, I kissed him passionately and told him that I was happy that he got his dream car. There was no anger or resentment, and I am genuinely happy for him. Although I compromised what I wanted, I feel like I gained something greater: my husband's appreciation for my trust.

4. That's cool

Well, that's cool, and really it doesn't much matter what kind of a car you have as long as it gets you from point A to point B, does it? So it's just as well you gave up this argument. But here's a cautionary tale for trusting his judgment without reserve. I did, and still pretty much do, trust my husband's judgment with money decisions. A few years ago I would wave away any discussion of investments (bored me then and bores me now) with, "Do as you think best, you're the one who studies this stuff, not me." I became slowly aware that he was practically desperate for me to listen and to take an interest in what he was doing. By the time I pulled myself out of my "Surrendered Wife/Taken in Hand" torpor, it turned out he was needing me to put the brakes on because he'd bought $125,000 on the margin, got in over his head, and could have lost that whole amount if it was called (which, at that time, with an imminent downturn in the market, it was likely to do). Finally I realized that I can't, as an equal partner with an equally smart brain, sit back and let him make decisions like that without my taking a second look at them. That is what functioning in the real world is about!

5. Online dating is a turn on

I told him pull out NOW, no if's and's or but's. And he listened to me like an equal partner and pulled right out. Was it the perfect decision? Maybe not. But another person, who is a finance expert, advised him to do the same, and while we lost $40,000 we didn't get completely fried. So make a judgment in your minds, ladies, before you hand the reins over on each and EVERY decision. It really doesn't matter what make the car is (unless you happen to know they've been recalled because they are dangerous. In that case, open your mouth LOUDLY, and the hairbrush be damned!). It really doesn't matter a whole lot what job he takes..to you. It really doesn't matter what clothes he chooses to wear or even if he buys you lingerie you hate..if it is going to result in more sex, then wear the stuff even if you think it makes you look like a whale in Tinkerbell's clothing. So what? But when it comes to money, home, your kids' welfare and education, really vital things, then you better not wave your pretty little hand and waive your right to be equal in the decision. Remember: Online dating is a turn on. Being homeless and bankrupt isn't.

6. A whale in Tinkerbell's clothing

Oh yes, that is DEFINITELY me! That's EXACTLY how I feel wearing the idiotic stuff he likes me to wear. I'll never be able to think of myself any other way now! I agree with you madly about the decision making thing though. When it's something that really matters, you can't just waive your right to have a share in the decision. That's why I like the quote from Havelock Ellis which Edward Anthony repeats in 'Thy Rod and Staff', about how the man should command in small matters and advise in large matters. I find obeying my husband very sexy, but it wouldn't be sexy at all if I was worried sick about whether he'd made a wrong decision about something, or if it was something I really hated. Fortunately, in our case, it has always been minor decisions that have been a cause of friction rather than major ones, he has never shown any inclination to make unilateral major decisions. And if he asks me for an opinion about something and I don't give one he is apt to become very annoyed, saying "whatever you think, dear" does not impress him in the least.